parenthood: chapter 10

our boy is going to be one soon. unreal.

as he becomes more mobile and more mischievous, reflecting on each month becomes harder and harder, but he is down for his first nap and i am on post number two right now, so i will attempt to get started early before monday.

a lot has been happening with boo boo this month. he hit the dreaded 8-10 month sleep regression and two leaps, and yet again made us feel incompetent in our parenting skills. i will say that just before his 10 month mark, i started seeing his better sleeping habits reemerge, hallelujah!

there has also been some stuff going on with him physically, which i may share at a later date once we have all the facts, but what i will say is that the process has been a bit triggering for me as i am not looking forward to seeing my baby hooked up to monitors.

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as stated in my birthday post, being a parent has made me painfully aware of how hard it is to take care of myself and sometimes even keith. it used to be easy to find a quiet moment to reflect, to meditate, to eat, to bathe to rest, but now i find myself unmotivated most days to achieve anything of real interest to me. i hate the feeling of apathy, but feel i sink further into it the more i try to motivate myself to do something.

i made attempts last month to get us both out and participating in some baby activities as i find it refreshing that he can just crawl around without me having to tell him no. i wish there were more things for me to do while he is enjoying himself as i am not quite ready to become the soccer mum chauffeur just yet.

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more and more i find myself battling the idea of what it means and looks like for me to be a mother versus what i have seen and heard from society. mum guilt is so real on the daily for me, although sometimes i do not recognize it right away until i am in the depths of despair because my weakness seems so great. but i guess that is where i need to be in order to experience the overwhelming grace that god wants to bestow upon me in my darkest moments.

mmm. that’s some red table. real talk.