letter to baby k

To the child I wish to know,

I caught a glimpse of your smile. I hope you smile that way when we finally do meet each other. I hope that is the smile i see often as you grow up here in my love.

Do you sense my love inside of your universe? Are you anticipating the warm reception waiting for you on this side of eternity? I cannot wait to show you all of my love, little one. I hope you will show me yours.

I have had dreams of you. Imagined what kind of person you might be. I hope your imagination stretches further than mine, far beyond narnias and neverlands, to some unknown universe where you are still my child. We can play there together, until it is time to descend from the stars, where i must concede to how much you have grown.

As i was born in the image of my creator, so will you be of his light. For now, i will raise you in the image that i understand of god, the part of him that was bestowed upon me. But one day you will better reflect the piece of him that was made for you to be a the light bearer of. Do not be afraid to shine that light toward me so that i may gaze at a deeper and fuller picture of our creator’s heart. i have much to learn from you just as i have much to teach you.

Although i wish to have you in this world, i am already saddened that the world will be unkind to you. The world will not always treat you as you deserve to be treated, and unfortunately, neither will i. I ask for your continued grace toward me for not meeting your expectations. For getting parenthood wrong on occasion. Despite the disappointment and heartache you may receive from me and this world, please allow your heart to love us through our many failings. Know that i will always love you through all of yours.

Finally, you should know about the one who came before you. I am sure your paths crossed before you came to us, and i hope you knew him better than we did here. We did not get to know him long, but in two short weeks his presence filled us with so much love, that it was more than enough to continue loving him in his absence and consuming you in your arrival.

You will find me grieving his absence. It is because i deeply love him. But know that you are not his replacement, or second best in my eyes. No, the love he left behind has been waiting for you to know it. That is the sweet gift your brother left for you. For you to be deeply cherished and loved fully and guided in the ways of love.

I hope that if you took nothing from this letter, that at least you hold onto the truth that you are loved by me and your family, here on earth and in heaven, and especially by the one who made you uniquely you.

Love always,
mum.