Pregnancy without any complications already has its own woes. Morning sickness. Constipation. Sore and sometimes bleeding gums. Your body becomes a leaky faucet of information that our middle school health classes did not prepare us for. thankfully there are resources just about everywhere that can help you decipher its code.
When you are essentially “tied up with string” with a cerclage, there is almost no manual that can help explain what you are supposed to be feeling or experiencing throughout your pregnancy. If your incompetent cervix was caught before it was too late and you were given an emergency cerclage, your life becomes all about how long your cervix is and making it another week with baby safely inside.
with a preventative cerclage, i had more cervix to work with and thought i would be able to breathe for the rest of my pregnancy. but every time i have had my cervical examination and have been told everything looks amazing (well thank you, i reply with a coy nod. I do my best), the but what if lingers in the back of my mind.
Having a cerclage has not taken away the trauma i experienced, and unfortunately, i think that anxiety has heightened my level of concern over the normal pregnancy symptoms. I try not to stay there for very long. That thought can easily ensnare me. But it is there.
I was afraid to move because i was certain i would break the stitch. My uterus suddenly became more irritable, and i found that i could not sit, let alone stand, in the same position for longer than twenty minutes without it tightening up.
Every time baby decided to dance on my cervix, i instantly felt the stitch.
There is a greater risk of infection because the stitch is a foreign object that my lady bits are trying to annihilate continuously. So, I am constantly drinking water, taking probiotics and everything else under the sun to avoid having to deal with an infection.
I have to be aware of any cramping I feel because the last thing anyone wants to happen is for me to go into labor while i am still stitched up.
Then there is the question of doing the doo.
Yeah. it just. got. real.
You can go on any forum that has cerclage as a topic and i can almost guarantee you that most of the mothers with a cerclage were afraid to poo for fear of breaking their stitch. the word on the street is: let it come when it comes. in the meantime, there is always good belly or colace.
Baby is still here. I am still here, taking it one day at a time. Surprising myself by stepping out of my traumatized state to enjoy the days when i can load the dishwasher, or make it fifteen minutes in publix, or yes even take a poo. Yes, the anxiety will still arise at any given moment, and i have to walk through it and not pretend it isn’t there, but my biggest fear is that i will let my loss of isaac consume me to the point that i cannot even enjoy the tiny strength of this new life growing inside of me.